Struggling with Evangelical Christianity

This post continues on from the previous one, Raindrops on Croft Ambrey with some notes I made in July 2005. It expresses much of a personal struggle that I was having with the Christian environment I was in.

this was a time of conscious awareness of the natural world : I was open to its being : this was the ultimate in divine awareness : beyond anything I get at ‘Christian events’ : emotive superficial candy floss : triumphal salvation pains me : it threatens my soul because it cannot relate to it : guilt and hell are imposed or implied : how can this be of God the soul asks? : this is just human egotistical plundering of the Word : domination of the masses : individuality is hidden : individuality becomes the occult : hidden : unseen : the mystery that cannot be explained by conventional thought : how do you reconcile these things? : you are being judged on the way that you perceive the world : how can ‘difference’ be forcefully unified by the cross? : why do people want you to believe and behave in a certain way? : if you break the mould you are fallen and in need of direction back onto the path : The 'MAYBE' is the key to my walk : break from fundamentalism : and embrace the unknown : the Cosmic God : embrace a healing of the world : man is destroying it : if Jesus is the only way to save it then that is a supernatural /cosmic event : if we destroy the planet we are saying we don’t care about it : we don’t respect it : we show no respect for human life : if we show no respect to the earth then that says everything is Godless : defining the earth in terms of a spiritual/Divine being is defining it as a Divine creation : if created by the Divine it has a Divine Spirit : it may not actually be God : if I make a picture, the picture isn’t me : but there must be a way of expressing the divine through it : the gaia theory goes someway to express the way that I believe all is connected : we are in some way part of a big organism : man isn’t separate from it : without the earth he would die : he has to maintain an integral part of it : through food, water, light, air etc : the earth has an in-built ability to support us : it can also kill us : there must be a balance : perhaps not a physical balance : but a balance exists that is favourable to our existence : the continuation of that balance is for us to maintain : there may well need to be catastrophes and diseases that help maintain this balance : they occur simply because the earth is made that way ; the great direction in which we move : is it beneficial to the earth or to man? : what is our motivation? : ego : self-satisfaction : can Christianity really save the human race? : not yet

the Christian problem : redemption of a fallen world : taken for granted : but is it fallen? : how de we define fallen? : the earth was created good and it maintains its goodness : humans have corrupted : they are fallen : salvation may not just be deciding to follow Christ : perhaps the greatest salvation is a personal awakening to the spirit of the earth : an awakening to the nature around us : to the people around us : to our ecology : that to me has been the greatest realisation : it has affected the soul : it has affected who I am

what do you say when you find you can’t relate to the Christian world around you : is it that you have drifted away? : or have you actually seen the light? : perhaps the greatest message of all is dying to self and rebirthing your soul : the main biblical thrust is people orientated : love : personal relationship to God : I would say I have these more strongly than ever before : but it is not through worship of Jesus : he is a gate : arms open wide : like a gate to a field : come and touch nature : or is this all heretical and off the mark? : what was the purpose of those ancient cultures in creating the biblical stories? : the stories are odd in that they are so people centered : what would the cultures gain by having a personal figure like Jesus? : as many people today are skilled in people skills and blind to nature : perhaps these stories are one-sided : perhaps they have a skewed perspective of the earth : to control people you have to have social ideologies : perhaps the stories were built around a society of people people, not nature people :

how do you go forward when you are faced with such a dilema - evangelical mainstream belief and the fear of not wanting to do anything that doesn’t fit the ‘Bible says so’ metality, and a deep soul awakening to the belonging in nature : problem : perhaps you can theorise all day long and never find the answer – only one's personal journey of reality will guide you : do you give up and meekly accept Christ and the Bible : or do you journey and seek challenges and an anticipated more enlightened way of living : making a commitment does not seem enlightening to me : perhaps it once was : now it seems inappropriate : a ‘welcome to your journey’ would be better : I want to learn more about God : I want to see more of God : but I know that my experiences and perceptions are different to those around me : either I am missing out on something obvious or else I too interpret things around me, but in a different way : perhaps my experience of God is stronger than other peoples but I view it differently : now there is a thought : I see people expressing their Christianity in terms of the biblical language before them but are they just drawing on the Bible for their foundation and belief and language :

How would Jesus be any different from popular Charismatic Christians of today? : in what sense should we be like Him? : are we supposed to get so close that we believe we live out our lives as an exact replica of His – according to the exaltations of our leaders? : we are channelled into the Bible as the only revelation of God’s word : the only direct one : so can no-one else have any way of being open to God and expressing their connection to God through their words? : woe betide anyone who falters by the wayside or walks a different path : where is the God of love in that? : perhaps the father concept : as a father disciplines his child : as I discipline Emily : discipline yes, blinker, no :

And dealing with people is my greatest burden : I seek balance : yet it can be hard to find : particularly in my work environment : I feel restricted : no freedom to be who I am : creativity is stifled : I am a slave to the computer and my work : I am in a cage and want to be free : but at the moment the necessities of family and home life mean work is essential : my soul doesn’t have the courage to break free on its own : I must ask for freedom : I must ask for guidance : I must ask for God to hold my hand :

In my struggles I must see the positive : I must see the Divine : I must see the hope : I must see the love : I must see the bigger picture : I must not criticise : I must be open : I must control the ego : I must look beyond the outer and seek the soul : I must be in touch : I must embrace the world