Abundance

Reflections on Jesus feeding the 4000 (Mark 8: 1-10)

The performing of a miracle in this passage is well known but it wasn't this as such that caught my attention when looking at it recently. To me, this was a parable about the earth having sufficient resources to supply our needs if they are well managed and administered. The desire to be fed is a basic human need and here we have a large crowd who, having followed Jesus for several days, were no doubt hungry - hungry on several levels: spiritually, physically and certainly hungry out of curiosity. For me, this was an opportunity for Jesus to be a spiritual symbol of the earth that sustains all life. Here, He is able to produce and provide food for those around Him. The loaves and the fish become a sacred embodiment of the body of Jesus that is shared amongst others. This is a Communion service.  The food becomes a symbol of life, faith and of the provision of sustenance. It is a sign of the miraculous wonder of the ability of the earth around us to feed its people. All people are fed by the disciples and there is more that is leftover. This provision of food is well managed. It is amazing that a little can be so very productive and satisfying. This mirrors many ecological or garden habitats and permaculture ideas where the productivity of small area of land can be very high if well managed. This is a lesson against global exploitation and resource depletion.

A concurrent thought flowing along side this for me was about a 'Jesus Supermarket' mentality. Jesus is often seen as The leader, The answer to all problems, The answer to the provision of all our needs. Just like a big shopping trip to a local supermarket where we can buy all that we need to sustain us in our consumerist lifestyle, so we can see Jesus as performing a similar function. This can be good as long as we keep a healthy perspective. Sometimes it can be good to step away from an expectation of getting all we need, to put away the shopping list of requests and take a different look at what it is we really want or need.

September

The cool dark evening holds my thoughts for once. After the busyness of work I have found a time to sit in the summerhouse and welcome a time of peace and reflection. I haven’t been here much this year and the summer has been a time for doing many things and not much has inspired me to keep my journal or to take time out for formal writing. Now the nights seem to have drawn in quickly and the feeling that warm summer days - what few we had - are now a thing of the past.

Writing, for me, is about being inspired by something. Tonight I have the light of a candle flame and a gentle breeze brushing through the trees to give a sense of peace and calm after a long day in front of my computer screen getting artwork ready to print. Places inspire me. My summerhouse inspires me, unless I am driven back indoors by the cold. Here I am detached from all that I have in the home and at work. Usually I will write in my sketchbook, but today I have decided to compose directly onto my laptop mainly as a disciplinary exercise. Here I am open to anything that I feel led to write about. Distractions are few and I can focus on the act of creativity in a space of my own.

In the past few weeks I have surrounded myself by odd bits of reading material: an online subscription to ‘Resurgence Magazine’; two books - ‘The Spell of the Sensuous: perception and language in a more-than-human-word’  by David Abram; ‘Deep Ecology - living as if nature mattered’ by Bill Devall; and the ‘Economist’ magazine. I am trying to get my brain thinking again and so looking for things that bring ideas into my focus rather than just dipping into the internet in an unstructured way.

Trying to live a spiritual life isn’t that easy. In some ways I think there are three paths that I could follow. Firstly there is the ‘supernatural’ type of path that has a deep sense of connection to an otherness that could take the form of any type of spiritual awareness of other beings, entities, powers or happenings. My Christian background has seen much focus on this and subsequent meetings with other people have also shown me how people view a more tangible spiritual world in other contexts too. Secondly, and a path that I find more easy to follow because I can identify with it more is a ‘personal development and well-being’ sort of path that looks more at how the person fits within the world around themselves. The supernatural element is not seen as obvious but yet not denied as it seems to account for a more mysterious, poetic, natural, observational and mystic approach. Thirdly - give up, grab hold of the ‘God delusion’ and forget about trying to touch the non-existant. This seems so tempting at times!

I want to carry on. I feel there is more for me to contribute and to learn about than I can currently grab hold of and I don’t want to pass it all by. There are genuine people out there who want to follow a path for no reason other than to better themselves, to find a place on this fragile earth, to gain a sense of well-being and to find a way of dealing with all of humanities successes and failings.

Pain, Rain, God is Female, Healing and Resurrection

Pain
Writing seems hard work these days. Too many other things seem to grab my attention and it all seems like hard work and rather a chore to sit down and be philosphically creative. I have to find my own inspiration too, and sometimes I just want to give up and possibly return to private journalling. Work takes much of my energy and I haven't been feeling too well recently. Somehow I feel that life is an uphill struggle and just keeping on top of day to day things is difficult. But then perhaps I just want to do too much. Some people seem to have endless energy - why can't I?


Rain
April showers and more showers - for about a week now. Cold nights and variable days. The soil is now wet and workable. I planted my onions, potatoes and sowed some parsnip seeds and a few other bits and pieces a couple of weeks ago but it has been too cold to get much else going.

Oilseed rape is colouring the landscape yellow and bluebells are appearing. Blossom is everywhere. Blackthorn is fading now but apple blossom will be out shortly. Have seen brimstone, peacock and orange tip butterflies. Chestnuts and hawthorn are well into leaf and tulips look stunning in the garden.


God is Female
There is a good tv series on BBC2 at the moment called Divine Women. It is basically about how ancient cultures were more female orientated and this was swept aside by more patriarchal systems such as Christianity which has continued to the present day.

I like the idea of exploring the more feminine side of God and even perhaps acknowledging there could be a She rather than a He. From a nature based creative viewpoint this is a rather pleasant idea. The universe is all about giving birth to creation; the nurturing of life on this planet; the protection of ecosystems; the caring of people etc. Male paternalism and domination seems exploitative and devoid of the awe and beauty that sustainable and resilient societies need. It may be just romanticism, but perhaps that is what we need to survive these days if we want an alternative to consumerist post-modernism.

Anyway, I have always related to women better than I've related to men. So a female God is fine by me.

 
Healing and Resurrection
My drive for self-healing from the acid-reflux problems I get is high and I was out last Friday morning for a walk before work to get a bit of fresh air that I feel I am severely lacking. I contemplated the idea of the resurrection and prayed about it, wondering how it could relate to me, to healing, to nature, to creation etc. I was walking down a path I hadn't been along before and as I approached a small 'interesting' place of trees and hedges at the corner of several fields I decided to ask for a sign to do with resurrection. To my surprise I came across something unusual and out of place in the context of where I was walking. It was a branch on the ground with some blue twine tied round it. Wood and binding - symbols of the cross and the ropes used to bind Jesus. This was a rather surprising find. Meaning: not sure. I am rather inclined to take the resurrection story as a myth because science, logic and my experience of the world leads me to be sceptical of taking the Biblical account literally. And I don't need to at the moment because I can take its meaning in a more mystical way and see it as a symbol of transcendence. Can I transcend the pain and discomfort I feel? How can I find healing? What is the cause of the burden I carry that I can rise above? Resurrection gave me thoughts to ponder.

Interestingly I then found myself walking directly across the fields to a church and then saw another symbol: a perfect wooden cross in a back garden. Perhaps this was a message from above telling me to repent and go back to church! Perhaps I read too much into what I was seeing as my mind was attuned to a particular line of thought. Perhaps church would be my healing... but this sounds too much like pandering to the Christian mindset I have seen in people and it isn't what would be true to me. But the idea of resurrection is there and needs exploring.

Spring Healing

It seems a little hard to believe that it feels like Spring already and it is only the beginning of March. The intense cold spell that bit hard in December seems a long time ago. Much of February seemed dull and grey but now the sun has brought clear and warmer days with signs of new life emerging everywhere. I went out for a bike ride a few days ago and saw purple violets, dog's mercury, elder leaves, lots of buds, young nettles...etc. Skylarks were singing too. I even saw a bumble bee last week. The crocuses are well out in the garden and daffodils are out in warmer places.

I've felt a bit out of sorts the past few months but now that I have been out on my new allotment and in the garden and, what with the daylight now significantly longer, I feel much more energised and brighter. I know I suffer from anxiety and this tends to tie my stomach up in knots. It feels pathetic really as I am sure it is just a pshychological reaction to life around me. I'm determined to break though it with personal development skills. I'm sure that much of it is due to the fact that I sit in front of a computer all day and it induces a sort of build up of energy in me that has no-where to go. I was also listening to a podcast the other day all about how unresolved emotional problems can leads to physical symptoms of illness. This feels somehow right to me but I have seen my Doctor about as a precaution (but the pills won't really solve the root cause). I know the body has a huge capacity to heal and restore and I need to work out how to tap into and encourage that process.

Spring is about new birth, energy, creation, light, production, growth, preparation and Cosmic love. I could do with some of that please...!

Must do some more writing - that is all about new birth, energy, creation, light, production, growth, preparation and Cosmic love too.

An Uphill Struggle

I am really struggling to find continued reality, realism and authenticity in the day to day outworking of my faith. Why should I bother I often ask myself? I find conflict stressful and yet all through my readings and exploration of my Christian journey I find inescapable conflict between ideas and expressions of belief and faith. My mind struggles to cope with it and I feel I am loosing touch with a sense of belonging. Amidst the life I now lead I feel more withdrawn into an isolated and dwindling sense of the spiritual. I miss church life hugely, but I don't know how to fit back in, I don't want to be in a strongly evangelical expression of the Christian faith. If I am to continue, I must find a way to break down this psychological wall that seems to be being built around me. Otherwise I just feel like giving up and letting life just happen around me. I don't want to do that and yet I can get overwhelmed by it all and the excitement I feel when I do think about things.

I am re-reading "The Cosmic Christ" by Matthew Fox. I love his writings and his viewpoint has helped me a great deal on my faith journey. I don't know if they are totally theologically sound, but they are a great source of inspiration.

Communication

What is the distance between you and God? Can you close the gap?

If God didn't speak to you for a while what would that do to your faith?

Should not the living God speak living words into your life?

What do you rely on to maintain the spiritual energy of your faith?

What is your spiritual life anyway....?

Why do I love to draw hills and trees?

Well there are some thoughts from church this morning. I'm not going to answer these questions now but they were thought provoking... depending on how you view God, communication between you and Him/Her and what actually is a 'spiritual life'.

Being Still

'To create is always to learn, to begin over, to begin at zero. Part of the discipline of art as meditation is the discipline of struggling always from the beginning - "In the beginning," one might say.' Matthew Fox, Original Blessing, p198.

Somewhere in North Hertfordshire on a Sunday Morning...

This feels like the first time in months I have been able to just sit. To sit quietly. To sit without the feeling that I should be doing something else. To sit without being anxious about anything. To sit with only a very slight chance of being disturbed. Just occasionally I seek out a place like this. A place where time has no value and where I can place to one side all the things that demand my attention and just give myself permission to just 'be'. I am away for the demands of work, I know my family are safe and I have just finished a run of busy, but very creative and inspiring weekends. I am here, alone - apart from the presence of many non-humans who surround my temporary sacred place.

I have been in this place for about an hour now and I've decided to get out my sketchpad and write. It seems impossible and so idealistic to "go-slow" and to savour the more natural side to life amidst the demands and anxieties that abound in work, the family and life in general. I'm not going to explore these here as I am reluctant to dwell on the negative things that can occupy my thoughts at times. All I will say is that trying to live a positive and empowered life as encouraged by so many personal development advocates can be very hard work! I've stepped out of my comfort zone several times recently by volunteering to organise a grass maze and children's quiz at the Luton Hoo Walled Garden Apple and Pumpkin Gala; and running a craft activity in Hitchin's Market Square for the Triangle Community Garden. Both left me incredibly energized and I didn't enjoy coming back down to earth again! Some people seem to have so much energy and a seemingly insatiable appetite for doing stuff and achieving things. I know I am very hard on myself when I look at the skill-set of other people and I have to learn how to be constructive in such situations.

I am in my lonely place, a sacred place I'd call it, just for a few hours this morning. What will it teach me I wonder? I am not alone here. Although I am in a place where no people will pass me, I am conscious of the many non-humans that surround me and so I don't feel alone. A moth flutters on my umbrella; a spider crawls up my sketchpad; several other small beetles and invertebrates either crawl over my hand or over the white pages. There is a ladybird too. A few birds are tweeting in the trees and I am surrounded by trees. Trunks blackened by the pouring rain - stark against the bright golden yellows and browns of the vivid carpet of beech, oak and sycamore leaves. Even in this wetness beneath a heavy grey sky the woodland is awash with dense colours that the spirit of autumn brings. It is a time of death, of harvest, of fruitfulness; of shedding unwanted things, preparation for hard times and of giving back to the soil. Mosses look a deep healthy green and beneath the carpet of leaves I know there is a thriving community of fungi, invertebrates and microorganisms. I see some very tiny toadstools that have forced their way through the decaying organic matter up into the freedom of the space of the woodland floor.

It is warm for the first day of November, about twelve degrees centigrade according to the weather forecast yesterday. I'm feeling quite cosy, though I have a good few layers on and a wind-proof coat which I certainly need today. I'm on the lee side of the hill and up above me the trees are facing the fullness of the very strong wind and rain that is pouring in from the south-west. Where I am, blades of grass are just gently swaying, but later I am sure I will feel the full force of the wildness. I'm glad I have a large umbrella to shelter me from the wind and the rain, I know that I need to keep as warm and dry as possible if I am to stay here for any length of time. The wind and wet can soon cool the body, so I huddle up tight and keep warm.

I've just been re-reading Matthew Fox's Original Blessing. I wish it wasn't quite so heavy going, one day I'll get round to trying to write a more easily accessible version of it! It is basically a book about 'rediscovering' the blessing of Creation given to us by God.

As I look out at the woodland around me, the following things come to mind:

• Escapism is key to renewal


• There is colour even in death


• You are never alone in nature


• Man's survival should not be separate from nature


• Weather waits for no-one


• Growth is always present


• Beauty is always present


• Patience


• Do I prefer shelter or do i like the wind and the rain? How do I deal with comfort zones?


• What can I share with others?


• A tree has its own leaves and yet when it sheds them they mingle with those of trees around them (to ensure a mix of organic matter?)


• Journeys involve leaving, separation and time of returning home


• How can I change on my return home? How can I maintain that?


• How can I be a change


• How, ideally, should I deal with work and family?


• Being peaceful and strong is a gift (like a tree)


• Giving of that which has sustained you may be a sacrifice, but it may ensure your survival in the long run (leaves, money, love....?)


• How does nature cope with rain? Growth, waiting, indifference...?


• Nature is always creating, transforming and never static? How is that reflected in me? Was Jesus like that?

I watch the leaves tumbling down though the branches and give thanks for this place. It is time for me to leave and see what else the day has to offer me.

The Druid Christian

I have been pondering on whether my term for there being a 'Christian Druid' was inaccurate and, as I have come from a mainly Christian upbringing, so perhaps the term 'Druid Christian' would be more helpful.

But I hate labels, even though they help to form an identity around who or what you are. It is like having a coat hanger upon which you can hang all your favourite bits and pieces so that they don't get all scrumpled up and dusty at the bottom of the wardrobe.

To all those who have commented on my previous blogs about Christian Druidry I give a big thank you. I really ought to sort some stuff out and try and build a proper framework around the subject - as I have probably implied, it would not be Druidry as such, nor Paganism but fairly general and holistic view of a practical natural spirituality.

We all want identity, we all want hope, we all want security; some of us need the 'spiritual'. But the 'spiritual' has to be real to us. It has to be real, authentic, trustworthy, boundary-less and true to our soul. It may well have to be kept private if we are not in a secure place of sharing. I find it hard work, mentally and physically, to embrace a lifestyle that I perceive would be true to my spirituality. Some people may find it easy to walk their chosen path, but I don't. But that spurs me on to learn more and to try and incorporate something practical in my daily lifestyle.

It is a place of mystery when art, poetry, music, writing, nature and the desire for the 'other' meet and explore in creative playfulness. It is a place of unknowing where the unexpected may happen. It is a place of prayer when you reach out from within into the space of the otherness. It is a place of slowing down, when the time of our world meet that of the earth. It is a place where fear of darkness or the unkown lessens. It is a place where your inner soul finds strength and belonging.

I don't know what to write
I want to explore with words
I want to touch the cool leaves
I want to run through the fields
I want to sense prayers that call
to the unseen and receive the
gifts of the mysterious.

I want.
How unfortunate a phrase
typical of our unsustainability.

I am what I write
I am exploring with words
I am touching the cool leaves
I am running through the fields
I am sensing prayers that call
to the unseen and receiving the
gifts of the mysterious.

Is God a plant?

I've just finished reading 'The Voice of the Earth - an exploration of ecopsychology' by Theodore Roszak (Phanes Press, 2001). A big juicy book that delved into the realm of psychology, ecology and an exploration of ideas into how we came into existence on this earth and where we might be going.

To be honest, much of the book was too deep for me and difficult to absorb in many places. I have often said that the subject of ecopsychology interests me, but the book did reveal how I only understand it at a very superficial level. Without a deeper and more technical understanding of Freud, Jung and psychology in general I just have to take what bits I can understand and see how it adds to my awareness of an ecological self. I am, though, glad I read the book as it was quite enlightening in parts. And odd bits of it will sink into my thoughts and writings anyway.

It is a big question - does our mind exist solely within us or is does it somehow have a wider field of operation? Is there a wider creative 'mind' that belongs in the universe? And do the two minds have any interraction?

When I look at the plant life around me, and then consider the fact that throughout the whole of creation humans have only occupied a small timeframe of existence in Gaia, then I wonder how human-like that cosmological creative spirit might be. Does a humancentric idea of "God" reinforce the ecological separation that we face in our lives - the paternalistic industrialisation of society, consumerism of desirables, ecological unsustainability, financial greed and political and social instability? Is God a plant? A bizarre question indeed but, at a superficial level, if the world has a creator God then it must surely have some 'plant' characteristics. After all, we humans have only appeared on the earth in the last tiny fraction of the time it has existed.

I know I keep struggling with all this God stuff and keep looking for ways to help me frame an understanding. Sometimes I think I have I have it all sorted but then something will happen or someone will say something that gets me questioning again. Should I bother thinking about it? Is it ultimately all a waste of time? No, I think not. I have my time here on this green planet and I should respect both as a gift to me. When I look around me all the things I see people believe, I don't see one set of people who have obviously got it right at the expense of all the others. I see people who do amazing things because of their deep beliefs - whatever their religion. If my belief system can empower me to do value things in my life, then that is a place I want to be in.

My mind seems very much attuned to the ecology and presence of plants. I'm not an animals person, nor an insect person, and nor at times a human person. But stick me amongst plants and I feel very much at home. They inhabit a very different world to the one in which we live and one that I can only observe from the outside. I admire people who know a lot about the folklore of plants and have learnt to work with them.

When I awake my ecological self and take my mind of the busyness of work, family and all that is going on around me, I feel a deep sense of peace and belonging in the journey that I am walking. It feels like a return to home, but also to a place of deep mystery, challenge and unknowing. At times it may feel like a refuge, but at times it feels like entering a den of lions.

How do you bring about global change and environmental respect to diverse cultures where there is little awareness of a personal responsibility to the environment? I don't know whether we have the ability to do that. With so many people striving to work, repay mortgages, own cars, shop more, compete for jobs, seek western affluence, satisfy personal 'wants', fit into business, political and social structures etc, there may be little time for more 'earthly' needs - whatever they may be.

Not sure if this is all very coherent.... I just wanted to jot down a few things.

Reflections

I'm sitting in the summerhouse on a cool and overcast July evening. I'm not sure what I am going to write about, I will see where I am lead.

Direction
I've thought a lot about direction over the past few months, mainly in terms of career and personal development, and have found it a bit stressful as I really don't know what to do and so much interests me!

Creative Energy
My focus now seems to have returned to my creative side. Perhaps because I know I ought to make the best use of the warm summer months when being creative is easier. There is more time and space to appreciate all that the earth can show me and I know it will pass by all too quickly. I seem to have found some positive focus for my own personal artwork. For me, things seem to evolve slowly and I seem to be feeling a sense of a more definite connection between various things around me and my creative energy. I won't expand on it here as I don't want to try and spend writing time describing things that are very visual. Through my job designing greetings card I have taken my artistic skills into new territory and I feel things are beginning to merge in my creative side that incorporates nature, spirituality, gardening, imagination, drawing, sculpture and much more.

Blog
Being inspired to write and to keep adding to this blog is not always easy and I could so easily give up! I don't feel as though it has had its time though, I think I have to dig deeper to get material and to keep the mind thinking and the soul nurtured. I am not in a very stimulating environment that keeps the blog-fire burning! Time is also precious.

Prayer
I'll end this note with a sort of prayer. Excuse any vagueness, but I am always cautious about bearing some specific details or mentioning names in public.


There is a stillness in the garden
a stillness that awaits, listens, welcomes and yet
bears strength and growth that is unseen
by the minds that are excited and seek stimulation.
May my spirit dwell in the garden of my soul,
to be calm, to not anger, to not worry, to not grow weary:
may there always be a silent inner strength
to be who I am meant to be, to grow,
to create, to love, to honour and to respect.

To all persons, human and non,
may I give myself freely and yet with wisdom,
understanding and strength.

To my family, J and E
I pray that we will be close and loving
like the creative love that gifts us with this earth.
When tired, sick, angry or frustrated
may peace fall like the raindrops
that have now gently begun to fall
upon the garden around me -
touching, cooling, refreshing, healing:
a presence that absorbs all incongruent energy
giving freely and with the knowledge of
its passing and revealing the new.

I ask for blessings
and the welcome of others
to guide and inspire us
in the dreams of our souls.

Easter and Sustainability

Firstly, a few random notes:

Easter church sermon notes: Surrounded by love that awakens in the light : man extinguished the light of the world : Man put to death Jesus : Man put to death creation and nature : we killed the light : the Easter love that grows from the earth and becomes a sacrifice for all : what response does this demand form me? : What is the sacrifice?

I am reminded of Satish Kumar's great analogy of the apple tree that provides an abundance of fruit. Many varied organisms will feed upon its apples and there is no discrimination on the part of the tree as to who should eat them. It freely gives to all who are hungry: birds, wasps, humans, fungi, slugs - a huge diversity of life will devour the fruit and release the precious seeds inside.

Sustainability is a word that is used a huge amount these days in many varied contexts. How can we relate to it? How does it tie in with the apple tree, and how can it be linked to the Easter story of love, sacrifice, death, resurrection and new growth? How is God linked to sustainability, the ongoing creation/existence of the earth and His intervention in the process of human evolution?

The culture we live in is geared to the supply of products that meet our wants and needs. We are always wanting more. Perhaps, until recently, there has been no real sense of there ever being a finite supply of food, clothes, entertainment, computer games, holidays and anything we may desire (for the majority of the Western population at least). The recession we are now in is, I hope, awakening many more people to the realities of our lifestyle based around economics of money, meeting needs, resource exploitation and selfishness. Development of a modern society has been based around fulfilling the needs that people have, There is little sense of doing with what we've got.

I wondered, as we are part of the divinely created universe, why God has allowed us to deplete resources and expand beyond our abilities. From my Christian perspective and background, I feel very much as if God has left us to get into the mess we are in. There seems to be something slightly amiss when I think about how God is perceived as a personal saviour and friend at an intimate level and yet globally seems to be absent. God is always in the 'people', rarely in the 'earth'. God is in the micro of our lives, but not in the macro, one could say? A more ecological view of God readdresses the balance. You become aware of just how linked your personal experience of living is connected to the bigger global picture.

Does the future look bleak? To every generation the future may look sacry - it is always a place of change, uncertainty and unknowing. The mechanics of society and culture are deeply engaged in a set process, visionaries seek alternatives to the present way of doing things, but how do you motivate and mobilise change across a country, millions of people and systems that exist.

I am uncertain of my role in all of this. What is my part in being a ecological self seeking to change the world for the better?

Going back to Easter, there may be a sense in which the crucifixion of Jesus represents the crucifixion of our earth. Exploitation and ignorance put to death that which supports, teaches, heals and sustains us. Nature becomes that which must be sacrificed, but it knows that it can never be fully put to death. It will always survive.

And what about the role of, and connections of, humans to Nature? Sometimes it seems as though we have evolved beyond that which the planet was designed for. We no longer seem to be living in harmony with the earth. I wonder if we are really part of it now - have we become like cancer cells that grow and grow and take over the host body? Who knows.

Ambition To Meaning

I watched Dr. Wayne Dyer's film "Ambition To Meaning" on DVD a few days ago and made a few notes:

Origins:
"Returning to nature" is more about "finding your own nature".

All of us have originated from nothing - all being originates from non-being. Perhaps the ultimate non-being or nothing is Spirit. We have all originated from Spirt.

Striving and Ego:
We are always striving, trying to do or reach something. We identify ourselves by our possessions. The more we have the more our ego desires. It seeks gratification and affirmation. Is my value dependent on what I want to accomplish? We can be so competitive, that's another thing the ego wants. The ego teaches us that we are separate from God. If the Spirit is everywhere, then it must also be in me - I must connect with it.

Meaning:
How do we move into the meaning of our lives? We must surrender, there must be trust - live by it and don't let it control you (?). Do you live an inspired life? Do you get inspired? You have to keep practicing until it comes naturally (?).

Trees reaching for each other. How do I think in images?

Ambition:
If I don't have ambition would I get anything done? It is all about where the energy comes from. Is it just pure ambition and the desire of our ego, or is it a greater thing that draws upon your Divine purpose? What is my own divinity capable of achieving? The ego always makes you "right" about what you say and think. Stop interfering with your life - let it be done to you. Die to the ego and begin to live a life of love and connecting to the Source. If you ever think "what if my life has been wrong", then that is a tragedy.

Giving up is good. There is a spiritual solution to every problem.

Life-changing Events:
Sometimes we can undergo "Quantum Moments" when something happens that makes us re-evaluate who or what we are. This can change our values as follows:

Men's values before: wealth, achievement, accomplishment, pleasure, respect
Men's values after: spirituality, personal peace, family, God's will/sense of purpose, honesty

Women's values before: family, independence, career, fitting in, attractiveness
Women's values after: personal growth, sense of self-esteem, spirituality, happiness, forgiveness.

Virtues:

• Reverence for all life


• Sincerity/honesty


• Gentleness/kindness


• Supportiveness/service

Serving:
Sometimes you just have to show up and the music happens. Everything is there, waiting for you, just wait for it to show up. The things you want for yourself - really you should want them more for other people. It is not about what I can get, but how can I serve? Then the Universe says "How can I serve you?" Your purpose will always be found in service, that is how God thinks. Touching people's lives is the most important things. Your attention should be "How may I serve?", don't focus just on outcomes. Live in meaning, live in virtues.

Reach out to a fellow human being in need and forget the ego.

You don't necessarily attract what you want, you attract what you are. Forget about yourself.

You are only a thought away from changing your life.

Places of Faith

I watched the second part of Peter Owen Jones' "Around the World on 80 Faiths" last night on BBC2 and one thought has remained with me through today. Somehow those faiths that build places for prayer and worship out of bricks and concrete (such as the South Korean Full Gospel Church and the prayer centre with individual prayer cells he visited) just didn't seem to draw my interest as strongly as those where people who out on the tops of the snow-covered mountains in China or building temples out of natural materials for their own little belief system. It's like a dichotomy between the people/modernistic approach to faith and that of the natural in-tune with the environment and personal spiritual experience. Manufactured verses organic.

I have huge admiration for this Anglican priest who has stepped outside his own comfort box of belief and is willing to share and explore other faiths with such open receptivity.

Christmas Holiday, Teeth and Creative Grumbles

Well, a week as gone by, and we have travelled down to Devon, up to Herefordshire and tomorrow will be returning home - another day in the car. Tonight is New Year's Eve and I am in a Travel Lodge with my wife and our little one who is now fast asleep on the floor. I have had three long walks, one on Dartmoor and two in Herefordshire which I have really appreciated. It has been too cold to do much drawing, writing or sitting around thinking or meditating on nature. I am disappointed at my lack of ability to get much done, but trying to force creativity into a day or location on demand is not easy nor perhaps a good idea. My time outside in places like this is so limited and precious and I almost need to have a good walk to burn off my energy rather than sit and draw or think. When I can spend more time in a place and relax into it, then perhaps I tune into subtleties and creativity more. Balancing the needs of family, holiday, work and creativity is not something I feel works well at the moment and perhaps I need to create a model that does work...

One problem I had, which annoyed me hugely, was that a filling in one of my front teeth didn't like being out in the cold and after my day on a cold and windy Dartmoor I had a very painful tooth for 24 hours or so. In Herefordshire things were better as I had borrowed a scarf but, although it kept my mouth warm, I didn't really feel I could sense the air and smells of the landscapes as well as I would normally do, particularly as I had a slight cold and stuffy nose too! I think it has now settled down and become de-sensitised a bit as it hasn't bothered me for the past day or so now.

I don't know, what does one have to do to be a brilliant creative...? Why do I struggle with this problem so much? I never feel content with where I am at - is it my lack of formal training? Perhaps I need to be in a more creative environment that actually stimulates me in the way that I find meaningful in a deeper and more personal way. Oh, I'm not going to go on about it as I get too depressed...!

Creativity in Nature

I was mildly surprised at how little was found when I typed this into Google. My reasoning behind writing the title of this blog was the question of whether Nature is inherently creative. Can the concept of Nature being creative be held as different to the creativity that we humans define as creativity? Trees don't go around making pots out of clay and blackbirds don't write novels so perhaps we have to change our perception of what creativity could means in this context. By Nature I mean the non-human component of the natural environment around us. There is clearly creativity in diversity, in species, in habitats etc. but is this inherent to the basic evolutionary (or whatever) process or is there a fundamental consciousness within it that 'creates' and, if so, what does it create? Just as we might decide to go out to paint a picture, if a tree decided it wanted to be creative, what would it do?

My thoughts began on this subject when I was reflecting on an experience I had a few weeks ago. I was lying in bed with a juicy cold/flu type thing in a state of complete inability to summon up any energy to anything but doze. For a few moments I began to reflect on a place in the countryside I had been to in the summer and which had inspired quite a long blog. In my mind I then started to create a quite long and detailed poem or piece of prose that seemed like a complete revelation of inspiration. As I was half asleep I had no inclination to try and remember it or and write it down so I had to just enjoy the fleeting experience. What I think surprised me how it seemed as though perhaps my conscious mind tapped into a latent part of my unconscious to break through a barrier of creativity and release something of beauty and meaning. This has then now led me to wonder if I can regain this level of being creative so freely, how can I be more creative, and can I learn about creativity from the natural world around me?

I have always struggled with developing my creative skills. I feel there is a barrier that I have to cross and I can never quite identify it further than a "I don't know what to do" type of thing. I have read numerous books on the subject and should really read them again. The more I read, the more things seem to fit into a more holistic framework, and I like holistic frameworks. For example, I have always known I was more of a visual learner, and my NLP course has now helped to focus that in a more positive way. Perhaps I need to get my sketchbook out more again and develop a more mind-mapping, visual type of creative expression. I know I have thought this before, but as I need to be hugely creative at work and I want to be creative for my blog and my family I feel I have to do something.

Questions:

• How can I use Nature to stimulate my own creativity?



• Do I fear the creative process because I am worried about an inability to produce things people will like?



• What unconscious barriers might there be that I need to try and break down in order to release personal creativity?



• What does Nature create if it is 'creative'?

Is there a subconscious connection of my creativity to any 'creativity' that may be inherently part of Nature? From the spiritual point of view there has to be - if you feel there is an 'other' part of you that connects to the natural environment, then there should bea connecting of energy, soul, spirit or whatever you want to call it.

I mentioned the fact that trees and blackbirds may not creative as we might define it, but I wonder how they could be if they indeed are? Blackbirds adapt their external environments by making nests and thus exhibit the ability to take objects around them and make something of use. Craftsbirds you could call them. Is a tree creative? Well, the fact that a deciduous tree undergoes a huge transformation each year to cloth itself in leaves is a great creative undertaking. It may be just a biological necessity to our eyes, but it is all about taking resources and making something new. When plants adapt to and colonise a new piece of ground they are creating a new environment, new ecological niches, new colours, new biomass, new microclimates and so much more. Are they acting independently from each other or is there a deeper something that is energizing and awakening the situation?

It is an interesting area to think about and I will probably return to it.

Further notes made whilst on a bike ride the next day

Organic natural creativity is found in nature (possibly without man). How does this compare to production uniformity that characterises man's evolution in the past 100 years or so?

The act of creating is constant in Nature. It is always in a state of change with continuous cycles of birth, growth, reproduction, death and decay. Is this comparable with how it evolves?

All living things are different even at a species level (Amoeba even?). Every tree trunk is unique like a fingerprint, and every leaf is different in how it grows and orientates itself on a twig to gain maximum potential for photosynthesis.

To create is an organic process - always changing.

Is the process of life just a process of creation? Of new beginnings, always moving on, adapting to new situations and always changing. I am sitting in the sunshine, in a cool breeze on a rather warm mid-December day amongst some trees. Even in the depths of winter the process of creation is going on all around me, much of it not on a timescale that I am usually thinking about. Leaves are decaying to form new top soil; seeds are lying dormant in the soil but being subject to temperature changes that will cause enzyme or hormonal changes within them to encourage them to germinate in the spring; new buds are forming on branches; and the wind brings changes in temperature and humidity. I happened to notice some concentric rings in the bark on the trunk of a tree and I should have taken a photograph of the. They reminded of the act of creation, something small, growing and radiating outwards, like the ripples on a pond - the creation affecting the world around it.

Does a tree "know" that the leaves it bore all through the summer are now decaying around it to form humous and the habitat for organisms that will benefit the tree's growth?

Does a creative process always bring about growth?

For Nature, creation is the art of survival. It is how it moves forwards in evolutionary terms. But for Man, have we moved on from this? Creation for many of us is no longer about making tools to kill out food or to weave rugs to keep us warm in the winter. Creation has become the making of aesthetic things - we have moved it to another level because our basic needs have been satisfied. Survival has been taken care of. We have a large enough population to enable us to achieve different levels of creativity.

Creation is about gathering resources for expansion. You cannot create out of nothing, there is always something behind it, even if just energy. A song we sing is only made possible by the food we have eaten. At a universal scale you could say that even our ultimate beginnings had to be made out of something.

How does man manipulate or change Nature's creativity? What about cutting down rainforests, mowing a lawn or Genetically Modified crops? Are they interfering with the natural processes of the continuation and evolution of life?

What do we seek when we try to be creative? What needs are we meeting within our selves? Is it an attempt to tap into the connection with nature we so dearly need? What is the difference here therefore between painting a beautiful landscape and designing a new oil refinery? Does it matter what we put our creative energy into?

Calming the Soul

I have been amazed recently at how much a grip anxiety and worrying about non-existent or perceived events can have on me. I am not going to go into much detail but one thing has been occupying my thoughts for a month or so and that has been the rather destructive and disrespectful behaviour of some rather young children just up our Close. In the end I had to call the police, but not before I had made a good attempt to communicate with many of our neighbours and share our concerns and intended course of action.

I do not react to conflict well, but when you get it after trying to be kind and friendly then you can be left feeling a bit confused. Perhaps I have led too sheltered a life, but it has thrown open a door to part of my emotions and being that didn't like being awakened. My NLP course is teaching me a few lessons in positive thinking and I think part of the problem is my lack of exercise and the demands of work - I'm just not leading an active, balanced life that deals with all the hormones running around in my blood. I am realising that anxiety can drain a huge amount of energy from the body.

I am looking to answers in dealing with anxiety from my spiritual path. It is easy to read about solutions to problems and ways to outwork a daily practice but, in reality, it can be less than easy. I think it is all about learning. I just have to learn, experience and then outwork things. It's b****y difficult at times and I feel I fail often - perhaps I am being too hard on myself - but I love the challenge, I want to learn more.

I wonder how Nature deals with conflict...?

Developing the Ecological Self

Perhaps just writing the title to a blog before I have even thought of its contents will encourage me to write in a more thoughtful and inspiring way. Let's see what will happen here...!

I was with a friend a few weeks ago who commented on an apparent duality in my modes of thinking and actions. On the one hand there is the 'me' that wants to go out and do things, be practical, be active, be funny, be extrovert and do as much as possible. On the other, is the more relaxed, calm, thoughtful, quiet and thoughtful 'me' that is keen to find balance and contentment in every day life. Now that I have started to be more philosophical about life I have noticed these two potential extremes and wonder how they can co-exist within me. I may be exaggerating the points, but I feel this duality causes a certain amount of conflict within what I do.

An ecological self must be one that recognises the existence of one's self within a greater picture of interactions with the external environment. The most immediate contact I have with the world outside of my body is with the air that I breath, and then it might be the food I eat, the clothes I wear and the ground upon which I walk. In more tradditional, ancient or less consumer driven cultures the ability to satisfy these basic needs of interactions may be the boundary between life and death. How often in my life have I been in a state of starvation or cold that would be life-threatening? For many of us in our Western society we have forgotten what it means to live life close to the boundaries of our ecological self - where the food, clothes, air and the un-acknowledged natural environment around us comes close enough to us to be seen as both a Saviour and yet the beckoning finger of suffering.

I suppose the frustration I am feeling, as mentioned in my previous blog, is the coming together of my ecological self with the techno-consumerist post-modern self. One seeks balance, peace and belonging; the other seeks action, stimulation from the media, the ability to take hold of all that life has to offer and the need to belong to the world of business for financial security and work.

My ecological self seems to be creating a big pull on me - it is the foundation for my personal development more than anything else (I'm not a great green eco-activist for this cause or that, or deeply engrossed in green politics or business). I am forming the theory but know I often fail in practice, such when I get angry with my daughter or when I struggle with work and stress. But I want to develop something that works for me - it is bl***y hard work, but I believe worth it.

I am 43, and will be 44 in a few months time. It is easy to feel at times that I have lived a sheltered life and have passed by much that could have been challenging and character forming. I often feel I want to start over again, but I think that in an ecological context I have to recognise the place I am in, to be thankful for it, to see my past and future within who I am, but knowing that I can draw upon resources from outside to help me on my journey.

I'm picking up my book on ecopsychology again and continuing to read it. All that I am talking about is really this sort of thing and I wish I could be more verbally eloquent about it. It is a huge subject and one I eagerly devour. There are many people who think and dream of new ways in which we could live more harmoniously with the planet and it doesn't imply we should all go back to living in round houses and pulling out bad teeth with pliers. As the news is now full of companies going out of business, China toy factories closing all over the place and a recession lasting several years, perhaps this is a wake up call for humanity to try and get its house in order. I don't think it will learn though - our ecological selves are being repressed all the time - but you never know, I'm sure it isn't all doom and gloom.

I was just thinking about a man I saw in Hitchin the other day evangelising to passers by with the word 'sin' thrown all over the place; and comparing that to my talking to a girl at work today about my tree experience as mentioned in my previous blog. We were both sharing something profound about our lives that had deep significant meaning. I pray for more inspiring moments like that.

The Butterfly Effect

This was the view from a place of meditation this morning. I liked the horizantals in the landscape and I sat and looked out over the fields on a cool, windy but sunny morning. The ground was cool and damp but refreshing to touch and I had found a place sheltered from the wind. The field jn front of me was a feeding ground for a flock of pigeons and I sat and watched them flying around the autumn landscape. It made me wonder about the Butterfly Effect (A web definition: "A butterfly flaps its wings... a hurricane strikes miles away. According to Chaos Theory, a seemingly irrelevant action can precipitate, and contribute to, a major event. The right set of factors comes together and a major event takes place.). Under this theory I wondered how significant the flap of a pigeon's wings could be. With all the movements of their wings in the field in front of me, could they inadvertently be changing the shape of the world as we know it? It was a windy day and I then noticed how the wind was moving the grasses and leaves around me. How does this fit in? Can each movement of each blade of grass be significant in ways that we just can't fathom?

"Be the change you want to be" is a quote I have been thinking about this week. To what extent is it possible for me to change my life and who I am? I know I could bring about dramatic changes to my life, but somehow I don't "do" the dramatic or the revolutionary. Perhaps I should. I am better at doing the low key and subtle things that bring about change over time. And yet somehow that frustrates me, but am I giving fear a home?

Guerrilla Litter Picking and Rain

I have had enough of going out on my bike and finding piles of litter or rubbish by the roadside and not doing anything about it. So last Saturday I went out with the bike and two bin bags to an unsightly collection of beer cans and rubbish possibly left by some nightime revellers alongside a local bridleway. I had passed it several times over the past few weeks and decided I'd seen it enough times. I cleared up one bin bag of empty beer cans for recycling, another bag of general rubbish and filled one of my paniers with glass bottles. I felt much better. I can't pick up everything I pass on the roadsides, but perhaps I should do a bit each time I go out.

The next day it rained. So I went out for a walk and got very wet. I love sitting in woods in the rain. I found a place to 'be' and just sat, looking and listening to all around me. I saw squirrels darting from tree trunk to tree trunk and a group of four pheasants that tentatively scratched their way past my field of view. I did see a deer or two, but they ran off as soon as they saw me. Just walking, silently and slowly through the damp autumnal wood was worth getting wet for.

Finding Our Way Again

The following book was lent to me by a friend and these are a mixture of notes and thoughts I made on it. It was probably more aimed at church leaders and those who have roles within a church, but I found a few things that caught my attention. I admit I did rather skim read it at numerous sittings so I am am sure I may have missed key points, but this isn't a review as such.

Finding Our Way Again
By Brian Mclaren. Thomas Nelson, 2008. 978-0-8499-2106-3

Is your religion a way of life or a system of belief? When people reject Christianity it may be just because of the way it is presented, structured and lead. Conventional organised religion doesn't have all the answers and perhaps we need a fusion of the sacred and the secular. Religion and secularism both fail to provide answers.

There are three options that we can take in forming a framework for our beliefs: militarist scientific secularism, pushy religious fundamentalism and mushy amorphous spirituality. We need something more, a fourth option.

How does daily life affect you? How do you deal with what happens to you and how does it change you? That reminds me of something we were talking about on my NLP course recently: how we think and how we react to situations influences our behaviour and feelings. What character do you want to have and what are you developing? Can spiritual practices help to bridge that gap? They can be earthy, they are about humanity and aliveness. They could be called life pratices or humane practices because they help us to practice being alive, and humanely so. They develop not just character but aliveness, alertness, wakefulness and humanity.

Spiritual practices are about Spirit and being open to God, tuning into the Holy, hearing the Word and the gentle pressure of presence. All creation unfolded from the Divine source and spiritual practices are ways of becoming awake and staying awake to God. They can help reshape us for a more intentional, alternative and perceptive way of living. What will your character be like in 10 years? How alive do you feel at the present moment?

People of faith may interrupt their lives with an intentional experience of discomfort, dislocation and intensity to seek new and unknown places. They may interrupt their family, work church life and any other familiar things to go on a pilgrimage. Pilgrimages need a home to set out from and a destination to reach. See Abraham (Genesis 12:1-4). Also important are fasting (not just from food), sacred meals, prayer, tithing/giving, sabbath/rest and liturgical prayer. I know that my journey feels much like a pilgrimage, though I have no clear idea where the ultimate destination is - other than being in a new place after having gone through a process of travel, learning, exploration and challenge. I feel that any trip I make to Herefordshire or to Dartmoor is one. Even going out for walk or bike ride locally can be a mini pilgrimage. Walking or cycling out into the countryside is always about going on a journey and experiencing something new.

Jesus was not a Christian but a Jew who proclaimed a new way, a new management and set of values, a new order and a new array of priorities and commitments, a new vision of peace and how to achieve it. He embodied this new way "I am the path". He was a leader, mentor, teacher, artist and rabbi. Jesus never makes Christians or converts, he forms disciples who then follow his way. He pointed the way for a movement, not a religion or an institution. I wonder whether emphasis is often placed more on Jesus as a forgiving person and Saviour than on what he himself may have actually stood for. I'm happier with that than the concept of just giving my life up to Jesus, focussing entirely on him and not actually taking responsibility for forming a balanced approach to my spiritual life. If this isn't clear, perhaps what I am saying is as follows: I have a path that I would like people to follow of they choose, but in no way do I want to become an iconic figurehead that is worshipped and revered. If Jesus did think that way, then I'd be happy to be put right if I should ever meet him, but it doesn't sit with my perception of how it should be.

Heaven and Hell are popularly understood as destinations beyond history and outside of this earth. If we focus on them in the wrong way then it can lead us to ignore this earth and this life. Do you want to escape this earth to be with God in Heaven or do you want to join God in healing this earth form personal and social evil? If we make Heaven after this life our prime destination for our spiritual way, are we then running away form the problems of the world? What if God's goal or destination for creation is a healed and healthy earth, with plant, animal and human systems that share in that health? Rather than seeing God's earth as a lost cause. What if God cared both for this life and the after life - they are both "life", both the Kingdom of God, both two facets of the same gift? Why does this seem like a "so obvious and why haven't I heard this before" type of thing? Though I probably have somewhere.

"Practice makes possible some things that wold otherwise have been impossible. [...] The gift never stops being a gift, but the gift 'happens' to those who are practiced in ways it doesn't happen to those who aren't." Contemplative practices then, are means by which we become prepared for grace to surprise us:

• Solitude, Sabbath, Silence


• Spiritual reading and study


• Spiritual direction/friendship


• Practicing God's presence


• Fixed hour prayer


• Prayer journalling


• Contemplative prayer


• Simplicity and slowness


• Fasting and self-denial


• Feasting and celebration


• Holy days and seasons


• Submission


• Gratitude


• Meditation and memorisation

There is quite a good passage in the book about community and the role the church plays in this: "Going to church when you don't feel like it becomes the most important kind of going to church there is". It is about commitment to the purpose - we should learn and live a way of life that motivates us to turn up. Withdrawal from community practices can become a habit and also an unhelpful practice. People of faith then become grim and apathetic, so the author says, but then goes on to say that people who drop out of churches can seem happier, healthier and closer to God than before. I understand the important role that churches play in the creation and development of thriving Christian communities but perhaps I just have to work through some things...

The ecology of our planet is in trouble (Hmm, so is our economic system!) but isn't that outer disharmony and imbalance related to the disharmony and imbalance in our inner ecology? We should be thinking of practices that form and transform both our outer and inner ecologies of souls and world.

How can churches meet the needs of people who want to move out of their "box"? I you stop people form learning, sharing and loving then isn't that working against God and the plotline of the universe? Are you willing to change, to let go and allow change - to find your way again? God's Spirit works across denominations, ideologies etc in different ways at different times - I imagine it may be like waves with peaks and troughs of inspiration by the Holy Spirit. Where do you draw the line as to what is Christian and what isn't? I don't think it is as obvious as I have been led to believe.

The book offers a model for practicing a new way of approaching that above through various "Via...". I wasn't grabbed by them in a deep way, whereas the "Via..." ways that Matthew Fox illuminates I found far more meaningful (Via positiva, Via negativa, Via creativa and Via transformativa).